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Old 03-30-2011, 12:26 PM  
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Everyone should have a "laugh" for the day....enjoy!

Open links in order......


THREE NEW NAVY SHIPS:


http://mail.verizon.com/webmail/driv...96%40WindowsPC


http://mail.verizon.com/webmail/driv...B8%40WindowsPC


http://mail.verizon.com/webmail/driv...9E%40WindowsPC
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Old 03-30-2011, 12:47 PM  
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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer.. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two tiny little triple-A batteries...
Right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it Dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

It hurt like hell. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loves the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!
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Old 03-30-2011, 01:26 PM  
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'Moneybags'

This year we're going to experience four unusual dates.

1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11

and that's not all...

Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born ---
now add the age you will be this year,
and the result will be 111 for everyone...!!

This is the year of Money..!!!

This year October will have 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays and 5 Saturdays.

This happens only every 823 years...

These particular years are known as 'Moneybags'...
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Old 03-30-2011, 01:32 PM  
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The drunk Scotsman with lyrics - Irish rovers

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Old 04-07-2011, 11:32 AM  
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THE ART OF TAKING A PEE

http://www.texashumor.com/theartoftakingapee.html
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Old 04-07-2011, 11:35 AM  
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"TEXAS HUMOR"
http://www.texashumor.com/index.html
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Old 04-07-2011, 12:04 PM  
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--


WEST VIRGINIA JOKE




THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred
to Mountains of West Virginia and was on first tour of her new
territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her
life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a
family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.
This is the outhouse!"
Anyone like things to make you "laugh".....try these....!!-linda-katelyn-flowers-birds-020.jpg 

Anyone like things to make you "laugh".....try these....!!-two-seater-4..jpg 

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Old 04-07-2011, 06:38 PM  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teaberryeagle View Post

< me

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I am known by many names:
Otahyoni, Otah, Utah, Chris, Steve, Fred, The Amish Wolfman, and Mark's Little Buddy...
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:48 AM  
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Late for Tee Time

A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.
One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys
talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play
on my golf team in college and I was pretty good... would you mind
if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to
say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it
would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said
this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.
They rolled their eyes, but said okay.
She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person,
and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they
congratulated her and invited her back the next week.
She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with
an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to
make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and
didn't seem to be purposely showing them up so they invited her
back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on.
But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all
three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship
on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of
their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.
This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.
They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her
point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf
right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said.
"When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.
I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always
sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the
covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right,
I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm 15 minutes late"...........
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Old 04-15-2011, 11:39 AM  
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Conversation in an Irish Pub
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says,
'I can't help but think, from listening to your accent, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived

on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!

And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Innocents, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!

Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1976.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!

Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Innocents in 1976 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the pub, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Harrigan twins are drunk again!'
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