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Old 02-10-2012, 04:49 PM  
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> I thought you might need help with texting your friends... After all, the kids have all their little codes… like BFF, WTF, etc. So here are the codes for seniors:
> ATD - At the Doctor's
> BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
> BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
> BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
> CBM - Covered by Medicare
> CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
> DWI- Driving While lncontinent
> FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
> FWIW - Forgot Where l Was
> FYI - Found Your Insulin
> GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacernaker Battery Low
> GHA - Got Heartburn Again
> HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
> IMHO - ls My Hearing Aid On?
> LMDO - Laughing MY Dentures Out
> LOL - Living on Lipitor
> LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
> OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
> OMSG - Oh MY! Sorry, Gas
> ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can't get Up!
> TTYL - Talk to You Louder
> WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
> WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
> WTP - Where's the Prunes
> WWNO -Walker Wheels Need Oil
> Hope these help!
> GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in

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Old 02-11-2012, 08:22 AM  
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The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a
Substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh go ahead...I'll wait...

Donkeys kill more people annually
Than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass)

You burn more calories sleeping
Than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code Was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive From each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you? That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

Apples, not caffeine, Are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN !

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!


The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... But, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, And no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet
Away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)


Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on......
And go move your toothbrush!!!

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Old 02-11-2012, 08:48 AM  
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Subject: Grandparents---

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


Remember to send this to all your "retarded grandparent"
friends and give them a laugh too!
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Old 02-12-2012, 07:22 AM  
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The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a
Herd of cows,
a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows
(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves
and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ……. a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington !

You just can’t make this stuff up.

Go green – Recycle Congress in 2012 !!!
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Old 02-14-2012, 06:54 AM  
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Worth repeating for your day's smile..........

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resoluti on photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government", says Bud..

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.
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Old 02-14-2012, 06:58 AM  
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That is really funny!
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Old 02-28-2012, 08:16 AM  
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Subject: Fwd: Grandparents' Answering Machine


Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ....
If you are one of our children,
dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater, start talking ... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.

__________________________________________________ _____________________
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Old 02-29-2012, 05:35 AM  
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A . A . A . D . D . . KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
This is my life...........
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking .

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry...
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Old 02-29-2012, 05:40 AM  
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Subject: The painter
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

(You’re gonna hate me for this.)

"Repaint! Repaint!

And thin nomore!"

"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."

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Old 02-29-2012, 06:28 AM  
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'nother e-mail..........LOL!!......


I was eating lunch with a friend and her 6-year-old granddaughter.
She was pretty animated as she talked about school and friends and teachers.
So, I asked her, what she remembered about school and that sort of thing.
She said, "I remember talking about 'President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean to you?”
Waiting for her reply with something about Abe Lincoln or George Washington, etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House,
and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.=============

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