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Old 02-29-2012, 12:22 PM  
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The IRS sent my Tax forms back! AGAIN!!!
I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all dependents?"
I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico ; and
" 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
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Old 02-29-2012, 02:25 PM  
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Subject: Air Disaster

Air Show Disaster:


Amazing photos show great detail.
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.
It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the Air Show
and slams into four buildings.



One can only imagine the horror of
the occupants inside those buildings.


Probably scared the s___ out of them.
Anyone like things to make you "laugh".....try these....!!-aircraft.jpg 

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Old 03-01-2012, 06:09 AM  
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Things That Make You Say...













"Oh Dear Jesus, PLEASE Help Me!"




































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Old 03-01-2012, 08:10 AM  
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Read the "JOKES" in these Snopes.com.......hilarious...takes a little time
to read them all, but some of them you definitely don't want to miss......


http://www.snopes.com/humor/question/requests.asp

http://www.snopes.com/humor/question/requests2.asp

This is where the links came from......there are equally other "funnies" here, also....

http://www.snopes.com/humor/question/question.asp#requests2


http://www.snopes.com/humor/humor.asp#question

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/jokes.asp#isabella
EXAMPLE:..........

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/isabella.asp
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Old 03-01-2012, 10:57 AM  
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An e-mail from my "brother-in-law"......I didn't have the necessary style broom
(square bottom) to try it but you may want to...amaze your friends if it will work......


Kelli and Mike said that this happens sometimes.
They said that a broom will stand alone because the earth's gravity is stronger than normal right now.
I had doubt so I tried it. I found out that the broom has to be somewhat flat on the bottom.
I will continue to try it, just to see if I have been snookered !!!!!!
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Old 03-01-2012, 11:41 AM  
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click the link to watch something "wierd"!!

Quote:
when the guy stops running,

place the cursor about 1 inch above his head.

weird...:d.(barely have your speakers on!)

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html

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Old 03-01-2012, 12:11 PM  
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From the inevitable, an e-mail........
Quote:







1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)


10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!'

HOPE THIS BRIGHTENS YOUR DAY



































































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Old 03-05-2012, 10:44 AM  
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Dating in 1957

This is cute.

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with
Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a
seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced
tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's
all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we
let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate
plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture
wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a
bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"The damned dance is called the "Twist"!
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Old 03-09-2012, 06:17 AM  
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"The Food Stamp Program,
part of the Department of Agriculture,
is pleased to be distributing the
greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service,
also part of the Department of Agriculture,
asks us to
'Please Do Not Feed the Animals'
because the animals may grow dependent

and not learn to take care of themselves."
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Old 03-09-2012, 06:53 AM  
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They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------



The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'




--------------------------




Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.




--------------------------



Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.




--------------------------



Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.



--------------------------



Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


--------------------------



For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.



--------------------------



Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.





--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------



A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow...




--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------



Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.




--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.



--------------------------





Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered...



--------------------------



The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.




--------------------------



Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and

medication to follow.

--------------------------



The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


--------------------------



This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


--------------------------



Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.




--------------------------



The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.




--------------------------



Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.





--------------------------



The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.




--------------------------



Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First

Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------



The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'













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