A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird
from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman...
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the LAB Report and the
CAT scan, it's now $150."
If you're smiling, you must pass it on; give someone else a smile too!
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled...Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ...
I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud, noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!
Recent studies found average golfers walk 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means, on average, golfers get 41 miles to the gallon!
At the root of every grey hair, there is a dead brain cell."
Someone had to remind me,
So I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh.... It is all true!
Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!
Kidnappers are not very
Interested in you. 2.
In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be released first. 3.
No one expects you to run --
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?' 5.
People no longer view you as a
There is nothing left
To learn the hard way. 7.
Things you buy now
Won't wear out. 8.
You can eat
Supper at 4 PM. 9..
You can live without sex
But not your glasses. 10.
You get into heated arguments
About pension plans. 11.
You no longer think of speed limits
As a challenge. 12.
You quit trying to hold
Your stomach in no matter who walks
Into the room. 13.
You sing along
With elevator music. 14.
Your eyes won't get
Much worse. 15.
Your investment in health insurance
Is finally beginning to pay off. 16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
Than the national weather service. 17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
Because they can't remember them either. 18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
A manageable size. 19.
You can't remember
Who sent you this list. And you notice these are all
In big print
For your convenience. Forward this to everyone
You can remember
Right now! AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
The same night!
"Good friends are like stars...You don't
always see them, but you know they are always there."
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
*** Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:
Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
Treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly... If they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - i.e.. Shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would befree, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.
As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out.
"Sounds like justice to me!"
(If You agree, pass this on!)
I think a retired English teacher was bored... THIS IS GREAT!
Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!
You think English is easy??
1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produceproduce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dovedove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.. 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so.......it is time to shut UP!
Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.
> I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. > > When chemists die, they barium. > > Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. > > A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. > > I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. > > How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. > > I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me. > > This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. > > I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. > > I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. > > They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O. > > A dyslexic man walks into a bra. > > PMS jokes aren't funny, period. > > Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. > > Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. > > Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery. > > I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. > > How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it! > > Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? > > When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. > > What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. > > I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! > > Broken pencils are pointless. > > I tried to catch some fog. I mist. > > What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. > > England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . > > I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. > > I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. > > All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. > > I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. > > Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. > > Velcro - what a rip off! >
>Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. >
>Venison for dinner? Oh deer! >
>Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault. >
>I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. >
>Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.