Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking
about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc ....
I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I
could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed.
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committedto its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
Scroll down.
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.
I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
Send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of
his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table,
when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America!"
The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America!"
The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
For
all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers
have enhanced our lives, read on. At a
recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In
response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release
stating:
If Ford
had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1.
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.
3...
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason
you would simply accept this.
4.... Occasionally, executing
a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.
5.....
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times
as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the
roads.
6........ The oil, water temperature, and alternator
warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An
Illegal Operation" warning light.
I love
the next one!!!
7.......
The airbag system would ask,"Are you
sure?"before
deploying.
8.......... Occasionally, for no reason
whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the
radio antenna.
9.........
Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as
the old car.
10............ You'd have to press the "Start"
button to turn the engine off.
PS -
I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in
some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your
car yourself!!!!
Please
share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their
computer!
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
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