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Old 04-15-2011, 11:30 AM  
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Dear Abby,

Hi i have a dilema, and hope you can help me with it.
My GF of 2 years asked me to marry her, and i want to, i love her very much, despite her being a prostitute, and drug addict.
I am understanding, as I sell drugs, and am her pimp, she keeps me in a good lifestyle.
Her dad would not be able to walk her down the aisle, as he got a sex change and is now a woman.
Her mom is in a mental institute, and thinks she is a parrot, and belongs to a pirate.
My siblings are all high school drop outs, and my 1 sister married my brother.
My other sister is with a man 60 years her senior, because he has money.
My dad is in prison for swindling senior citizens out of money, and my mom is an alcoholic, and not been sober 2 minutes in the past 20 years.

So thats all fine, and i have no problems with it, but her is my dilema.
My bride to be thinks we should invite all friends and relatives.
And i feel i should be honest with her, and tell her i do not want my cousin invited, because what he did is so horrible, it cannot be forgiven.
So should i be honest and tell her what he did, or just bury this deep dark secret forever?

Please help me Abby, i am so torn.
There is no easy way to tell my bride to be, a relative of mine in the last election, voted for Harper. The shame is so deep, i may call of the wedding to keep the secret.

We do NOT need to raise taxes on the people. The government needs to spend less is the answer.
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:34 PM  
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A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of
the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because
everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the
civilized world."

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned
around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper
asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his
pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you
see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says:

'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."


You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving North.

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Old 04-16-2011, 07:11 AM  
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Sex in the Nursing Home

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home..

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind
the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin
to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,
'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!'

I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet Secretly each night in the garden where
they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him
sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident,
who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'
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Old 04-19-2011, 12:17 PM  
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Gun Control

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
West Virginia,asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once
every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap
my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Virginia drawl,
pierced the quiet and said:

'Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
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Old 04-20-2011, 05:43 AM  
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Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with big t___ who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s___.
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Old 04-21-2011, 03:43 PM  
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Five Old Ladies

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the back...
wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger
to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...
Twenty-two miles an hour!" ...the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer
for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone
in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken,
and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.

We just got off Highway 189."
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Old 04-21-2011, 03:53 PM  
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The Chicken!
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Old 05-01-2011, 03:08 PM  
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Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona...
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks
10 cents'.
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in
and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a
In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis..shaken, not
stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying,
"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They
have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender said, and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime...wine, liquor, beer,
it's all the same."
"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven
other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them,
and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks
the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Florida.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price." ........
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Old 06-01-2011, 08:57 AM  
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Shared Wisdom

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

4. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

9. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

10. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "Doctor".

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is often another woman.

13. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

14. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

15. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

16. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

18. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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Old 06-04-2011, 06:01 AM  
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"Ole Blue"

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says
"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

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