Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday ."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday ."
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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
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A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
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(This one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be
in the boat."
--
Laughter is like a needle and thread. Deftly used, it can patch up just about everything !
*A man sees a sign outside a house -* *'Talking Dog For Sale .'*
*He rings the bell, the owner appears* a*nd tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.*
*The man sees a very nice looking Golden Retriever sitting there.*
*"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.*
*"Yes," the Retriever replies.*
*After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk,* t*he man asks, "So, tell me your story."*
*The dog looks up and says,*
*"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was quite young.* *I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS what I could do. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country*, s*itting in rooms with spies and world leaders. Because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping,* *I was one of their most valuable spies for more than eight years."*
*"But all the jetting around really tired me out,*
a*nd I knew I wasn't getting any younger*, s*o I decided to settle down.*"
*"I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport* t*o do some undercover security work,* w*andering near suspicious
and listening in.*"
*"I uncovered some incredible dealings* a*nd was awarded several medals. *"
*"I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."*
*The man was amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.*
*"Ten quid," the owner says.
"?10.....!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"* *says the man.*
*The owner replies "Because he's a lying b*stard, he's never been out of this garden."
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over
there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Virginia , the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.
The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,
"But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington , D.C....
Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
> AMAZING PICTURE OF A MICHIGAN ICE BREAKER AT WORK
________________________________
> Quite the challenge!............
> __________________________________________________ ______________
>> A lot of you are probably aware of the Great Lakes Icebreakers - that
> begin
> to be real busy now - these ships with sharp prows to cut through pack ice
> work tirelessly into the cold winter months to keep the shipping channels
> open for the Great Lakes freighters that bring supplies from all over the
> world to the United States. AND - of course these freighters take supplies
> from many of the Great Lakes ports to other ports - keeping the economies
> of
> all our northern cities going strong. It is high time that we give thanks
> to these dedicated Michigan folks who are out there in all sorts of
> extreme
> weather - keeping the shipping lanes open and free of ice - and of course
> keeping the ships and crews safe on their journeys.
>
>
> > Damned tough, them Michiganders!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
If you DON'T forward this to at least 1 person you have no sense of humor!!!
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama" a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Jim Bob, down here at Bump's Catfish Shack, in Vicksburg , and I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Jim Bob," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Jim Bob, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Tom, my next-door-neighbor and brother Gerald, and the whole dart team from JD's Bait Shop. That makes eight or maybe nine depending if Bump can close the store.
Barack paused. "I must tell you Jim Bob that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Jim Bob. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Jim Bob called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Jim Bob?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and my brother Mike's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Jim Bob, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Jim Bob, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Jim Bob called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Jim Bob, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, catfish, greens and pie and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."
SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
If you are a REAL Southerner, you won't even need to be told to pass this on!
GOD BLESS EVERYBODY!
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Baby diapers and politicians should be changed often and usually for the same reasons.
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
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