A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?
--
Of all the things I've Lost, I miss my Mind the Most~~~
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
>
>
> A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
> The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
> "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
> "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
> "Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
>
>
>
>
>
> A few aisles farther on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket..
> "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
> "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
> Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
>
> That's him on Aisle 5 - he never knew what hit him.
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
JUST REMEMBER GUYS YOU AIN'T GETTIN' ANY YOUNGER
~~YOUR LAUGH FOR TODAY~~
This had me in stitches. It's one of those "candid camera" things.
Check out the looks on the faces of the young girls.
Turn Up The Sound and Listen To The Classic Song .. "Only You"
She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a ride-on lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.
SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.
I even put a light on it so she could work at night. See photo below.
To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please�.
I can see out of my left eye pretty good now and should be able to leave the hospital sometime next week.
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
THIS IS SO FUNNY AND SOOOOOOOOOOOOO TRUE!
You'll love the part on the Villages, LOL!
The Florida Code
When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words,
"take I-75," "take I-4" or "take I-95."
When crossing the border into Florida forget all driving rules you ever knew.
If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between
the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M. and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M.
This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush.
NO EXCEPTIONS. But you will drive anyway.
Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west except Alligator Alley.
Tolls are a fact of life, the state has to make money, so deal with it!
I-275 ( Tampa area) will always be under construction . . . t
hat's the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!
'A1A' and 'Alt. A1A' are the same road.
Traffic lights are not timed and never will be.
We measure the distance we travel in time - not miles.
If you travel more than 20 miles on any road in any part of Florida without
seeing an orange barricade, you're lost!
If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to BACK UP!
Every street in Florida has both a name and a number ( i . e . Adamo = Rt . 60 just for the heck of it --
and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.
Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection eight more go
through on yellow, and 4 more on red.
Know the difference between SunPass , SunFest , Sun-Sentinel and SunTrust.
Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual .
Plaids and stripes of different colors at the same time are the norm.
Your car's signal blinker means nothing. It should be left on at all times.
English is our first and second language.
It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator.
We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you.
Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.
When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning
and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until
the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to
Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.
You know how to spell Okeechobee . There is an Okeechobee Lake,
Town, County, Blvd , Street, and Avenue.
A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who
already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.
You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that anyone else has moved here.
There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner -
with more being built every day.
When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.
It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations.
In south Florida the four seasons are summer.
There is a city called 'The Villages' where over 100,000 old people live that all
drive golf carts and dance in the streets. 65% of these people are swingers;
the rest just got too old to care about it.
(They have the highest number of cases of VD/STD in the state!)
Jupiter is a city, not a planet.
Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays . . . not weeknights or weekends . . .
that's for the working folks.
There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.
You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back up
north and do it that way. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.
No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure
out your property taxes.
Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside.
But inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.
With the slightest hint of a hurricane your house insurance will be cancelled .
The biggest Asian pythons are in the Everglades .
You want to live > > on a lake? Dig a hole.
Early bird dinner starts at 4 but be there at 3.
Always have plastic bags in your purse or pocket for the packets of sugar,
Splenda, additional servings from the buffet, etc.
True Floridians rarely go to the local beach except Miami .
These are recognized by the tobacco-colored leather skin.
Don't think of going to Boca unless you are wearing at least once piece of gold lame'.
Always be observant of cars backing through store windows or into canals and swimming pools.
Note that most cars are driven by headless drivers.
When seen the head always has white hair and over-sized, black wrap-around sunglasses.
This would be even funnier if it weren't so true!
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville , Tx
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville ... The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville Tx .
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
'Thank you for your letter...
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position, on the side of Hwy 77 So. Of Kingsville .....
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears that the filling is missing. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'
Semper Fi
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
The
old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries
and a drink.
He
unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it
in half, placing one half in front of his
wife.
He then carefully counted out the French
fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed
one pile in front of his wife.
He
took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them
.... As he began to eat
his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were
looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old
couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of
them.'
As
the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the
table and politely offered to buy another meal for the
old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they
were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old
lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.
Again,
the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them.
This
time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything..'
Finally,
as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly
with the napkin, the young man again came over to the
little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food
and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She
answered
(Continue
below - This is great)
'THE
TEETH.'
__________________
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
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