Southern cops have a way with words.
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through
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2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
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3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
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4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
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5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
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6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
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7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
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8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
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9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
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10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
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11 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
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12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
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13. " Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
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14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
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15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label……It says..
(Are you ready for this?) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is)
It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
If this doesn't at least bring a smile to your face GO BACK TO BED!!!!!!!
THE OSTRICH !
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the
Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
Change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and
Pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
Ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
And places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
Always come up with the exact change in your
Pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
Cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
Two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
To pay for anything, I would just put my hand
In my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
Would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
But you'll always be as rich as you want for as
Long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
Says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
Wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees
with everything I say.."
WELL HELLO !!!!!!
=
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.
The teacher graded it and the child took it home.
She returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a snow shovel.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Harrington
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster, a very important position, and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon
seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once
because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high
regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very
high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."
So he continued on his way.
A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked
and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information
from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most
influential positions.
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