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Old 06-04-2011, 07:13 AM  
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Puns for Educated Minds


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.




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2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



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3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



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4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.



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5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.




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6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



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7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



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8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



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9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



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10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



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11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.




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12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



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13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



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15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



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16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



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17. A backward poet writes inverse.



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18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.



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19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



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20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.



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21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'



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22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.? One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'



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23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



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24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



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25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



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26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.? No pun in ten did.
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Old 06-04-2011, 07:24 AM  
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Some Interesting trivia here


A LITTLE FOOD FOR THOUGHT,
SEE IF YOU CAN REMEMBER ALL OF THEM



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Very Interesting Anecdotes



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If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your
food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to
chew your food on the left side of your mouth.



To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million
individual flowers



Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.



Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant? is considered
an insult!



People in nudist colonies play volleyball
more than any other sport.



Albert Einstein was offered the presidency
of Israel in 1952, but he? declined.



Astronauts can't belch - there is no
gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.



Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies
often used urine as mouthwash.



The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the
Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!



Because of the speed at which Earth moves
around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7
minutes and 58 seconds.



The night of January 20 is "Saint
Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her
future husband.



Google is actually the common name for a
number with a million zeros



It takes glass one million years to
decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite
amount of times!



Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust,
even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years



Your tongue is the only muscle in your body
that is attached at only one? end



If you stop getting thirsty, you need to
drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts
off.



Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit
smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.



Zero is the only number that cannot be
represented by Roman numerals



Kites were used in the American Civil War
to deliver letters and newspapers.



The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the
stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to
bring in the New Year.



Drinking water after eating reduces the
acid in your mouth by 61 percent



Peanut oil is used for cooking in
submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F



The roar that we hear when we place a
seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood
surging through the veins in the ear.



Nine out of every 10 living things live in
the ocean



The banana cannot? reproduce itself. It
can be propagated only by the hand of man



Airports at higher altitudes require a
longer airstrip due to lower air density



The University of Alaska
spans four time zones



The tooth is the only part of the human
body that cannot heal itself.



In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl
was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.



Warner Communications paid $28 million for
the copyright to the song "Happy Birthday".



Intelligent people have more zinc and
copper in their hair.



A comet's tail always points away from the
sun.



The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976
caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.



Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and
other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.



The military salute is a motion that
evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to
reveal their identity.



If you get into the bottom of a well or a
tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.



When a person dies, hearing is the last
sense to go. The first sense lost is sight



In ancient times, strangers shook hands to
show that they were unarmed



Strawberries are the only fruits whose
seeds grow on the outside



Avocados have the highest calories of any
fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams



The moon moves about two inches away from
the Earth each year



The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day
due to falling space? ? dust



Due to earth's gravity, it is impossible
for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters



Mickey Mouse is known as
"Topolino" in Italy



Soldiers do not march in step when going
across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient
to knock the bridge down



Everything weighs one percent less at the
equator



For every extra kilogram carried on a space
flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off



The letter J does not
appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.



And last but not least:

In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays,
and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years! This is called
'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on
Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles
for the rest of the year.
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Old 06-04-2011, 07:35 AM  
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Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:


1.
The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name

3.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4.
A dog's parents never visit.


5.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"

9.
If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


10.
A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

11.
If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:

12.
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
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Old 06-05-2011, 09:26 AM  
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Subject: SUNDAY MORNING SEX






Katie will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling ...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even nothing too strenuous simply in on the "ding" and out on the "dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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Old 06-05-2011, 09:34 AM  
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> > >> INTERESTING OBSERVATION
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> 2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> 4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> 5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
> > >>
> > >> And ....
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> 6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> The higher you go, in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
> > >>
> > >> There must be a ton of people in Washington playing MARBLES!
> > >>
> > >
> >
> >
>
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Old 06-06-2011, 09:41 AM  
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Driver's License


A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'

If you see someone without a smile today
Give them one of yours ……
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Old 06-07-2011, 01:49 PM  
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This is a hiliarious video......you won't believe....


FLYING CARP

YouTube - Flying Silver Carp on Wabash River in Indiana
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Old 07-13-2011, 11:40 AM  
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The Redneck & The Game Warden

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central North Carolina
as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while.
Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of bull....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb
as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving north.
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Old 07-13-2011, 12:28 PM  
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Catholic shampoo


two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store.
As they passed by the beer cooler,
one nun said to the other,
" wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste
wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

the second nun answered,
"indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel
comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it
would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"i can handle that without a problem",
the other nun replied, and she picked up
a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his
face when the two nuns arrived with a
six-pack of beer.
"we use beer for washing our hair" the nun said,
"back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached
under the counter, pulled out a package of
pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said:
"the curlers are on the house."
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Old 07-14-2011, 11:42 AM  
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THE INVISIBLE AIRPLANE (another e-mail)........
Anyone like things to make you "laugh".....try these....!!-air-force-one-joke.jpg 

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