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Old 07-15-2011, 06:09 AM  
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Just another e-mail...........

subject: Wisdom

life from the seat of a tractor..

? an old farmer's words of wisdom we could all live by.......

The last quote fits everyone...i don't care who you are

?€œyour fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.?€?

?€œkeep skunks and bankers at a distance.?€?

?€œlife is simpler when you plow around the stump.?€?

?€œa bumble bee is considerably faster than a john deere tractor.?€?;

?€œwords that soak into your ears are whispered?€?....not yelled.?€?

?€œmeanness don't just happen overnight.?€?

?€œforgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.?€?

?€œdo not corner something that you know is meaner than you.?€?

?€œit don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.?€?

?€œyou cannot unsay a cruel word.?€?

?€œevery path has a few puddles.?€?

?€œwhen you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.?€?

?€œthe best sermons are lived, not preached.?€?;

?€œmost of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.?€?

?€œdon't judge folks by their relatives.

?€œremember that silence is sometimes the best answer.?€?

?€œlive a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.?€?;

?€œdon't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.?€?

?€œtiming has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.?€?

?€œif you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.?€?

?€œsometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

?€œthe biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.?€?

?€œalways drink upstream from the herd.?€?

?€œgood judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.?€?

?€œlettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.?€?

?€œif you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.?€?

?€œlive simply, love generously, care deeply,
speak kindly, and leave the rest to god.?€?

?€œdon't pick a fight with an old man.
If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.?€?;

Anyone like things to make you "laugh".....try these....!!-dog-trees.jpg 

Anyone like things to make you "laugh".....try these....!!-tractor-driver.jpg 


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Old 07-16-2011, 10:00 AM  
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1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15... Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

And, here's one I have to add:

20. Parking Lot Law - Park your new automobile in the space at the fartherist end of the parking lot and someone will always park beside you. And, there will be a lot full of open parking spaces.

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Old 07-22-2011, 05:16 AM  
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The Green Thing

In the line at the store, the young cashier told an older woman
that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags
weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to her
and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation
did not care enough to go green and save our environment."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles, and beer bottles
to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed
and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.
So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have elevators or escalator
in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store
and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had
to go two blocks. But she was right.
We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have
the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy
gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really
did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their
brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. Only the rich
could afford new stuff and most folks were not rich.
But that young lady is right;
we didn't have the green thing back in our day,
but we did our best to reuse just about anything that could be
salvaged because very few people were affluent.

Back then, we had one TV in the block, or one radio in the house -- no
TV's in every room. And the TV had a 7" small screen (remember them?),
not a screen the size of the state of Montana and viewing was limited
to 2 stations on the air only from six pm to midnight.
She's right, we didn't have the green thing back then.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
electric machines to do everything for us. Most folks survived using
cast iron cookware and kerosene or wood stoves.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded
up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn.
That’s right, we didn't have the green thing back then.

We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working
so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate
on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a
plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens
with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in
a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people walked or took the streetcar or a bus. Kids rode their
bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets
to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget
to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in
order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful
we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing?
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Old 07-24-2011, 06:46 PM  
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Love these e-mails............

Subject: For the clueless to understand how DC operates.

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these
past several years. You have paid
me very well, given me benefits beyond
belief. I have 3-4 months off per year
and a pension plan that will pay my
salary till the day I die, and a health plan
that most people can only dream about.

I plan to take the next 12-18 months to
find a new position.
During this time I will show up for work
when it is convenient. In addition I fully
expect to draw my full salary and all the
other perks associated with my current job.

Oh yeah, if my search for
this new job proves fruitless, I will be back
with no loss in pay or status.
Before you say anything, remember that you
have no choice in the matter.
I can and will do this.


Every Senator or Congressman
running for
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Old 07-26-2011, 03:04 PM  
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'nother e-mail.....but, funny..........

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school

after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, 'What do you think about

all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how

Santa Claus turned out.

It's probably just your Dad.'


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl

whispered to her mother,

'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color

of happiness,

and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said,

'So why is the groom wearing black?'


A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running

as fast as she could,

trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed,

'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,

please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped

on a curb and fell,

getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running


As she ran she once again began to pray,

'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please

don't shove me either!'


Three boys are in the school yard bragging about

their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words

on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,

they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing.

My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper,

he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad

scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,

he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to

collect all the money!'


An elderly woman died last month.

Having never married, she requested no male


In her handwritten instructions for her memorial

service, she wrote,

'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,

I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'


A police recruit was asked during the exam,

'What would you do if you had to arrest your own


He answered, 'Call for backup.'


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why

Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..

A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the
Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy

father and thy mother,' she asked,

'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to

treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,

'Thou shall not kill..'


At Sunday School they were teaching how God

created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they

told him

how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying

down as though he were ill,

and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little

Johnny responded,

'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have

a wife.'


You don't stop laughing because you grow old..

You grow old because you stop laughing!

Take heed and pass these along to people who

need a laugh.

I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough

right now...for all of us...

so we need something to make the day a happy


"They" haven't found a way to tax you for

laughing yet.

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Old 08-04-2011, 05:13 AM  
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Don't you just love e-mail humor from friends.........


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
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Old 08-04-2011, 05:23 AM  
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Very funny..........

Subject: A Cowboy Named Bud...............

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd, in a remote mountainous pasture in California, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out
the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd, and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite, that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ... Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email, on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives his response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. .......

Now give me back my dog.
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Old 08-04-2011, 05:38 AM  
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West Virginia boy

A good ole West Virginia boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float
a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and
asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field
behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in
a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field.

He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from ""West
Virginia"" a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"
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Old 08-10-2011, 07:16 AM  
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Subject: THE CLASS REUNION -- are you going????????

Every five
years, as summertime
An announcement
arrives in the mail,
reunion is planned; it'll be really
Make plans to attend
without fail.

I'll never
forget the first time we
We tried so hard to
We drove fancy
cars, smoked big cigars,
wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an
affair; the whole class was
It was held at a
fancy hotel.
We wined, and
we dined, and we acted
And everyone
thought it was swell.

The men all
conversed about who had been
To achieve great
fortune and fame.
their spouses described their fine
And how beautiful
their children became.

The homecoming
queen, who once had been
Now weighed
in at one-ninety-six.
jocks who were there had all lost their
And the cheerleaders
could no longer do kicks.

No one had
heard about the class
Who'd guided a
spacecraft to the moon;
poor little Jane, who's always been
She married a
shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd
decreed 'most apt to
Was serving ten
years in the pen,
While the
one voted 'least' now was a
Just shows you can
be wrong now and then.

They awarded a
prize to one of the guys
seemed to have aged the
Another was given to
the grad who had driven
farthest to attend the

They took a
class picture, a curious
beehives, crew
cuts and wide
Tall, short, or
skinny, the style was the
You never saw so many

At our next
get-together, no one cared
They impressed their
classmates or not.
The mood
was informal, a whole lot more
By this time we'd
all gone to pot.

It was held
out-of-doors, at the lake
We ate hamburgers,
coleslaw, and beans.
most of us lay around in the
In our comfortable
T-shirts and jeans.

By the fiftieth
year, it was abundantly
We were definitely
over the hill.
Those who
weren't dead had to crawl out of
And be home in time for
their pill.

And now I can't
wait; they've set the date;
Our sixtieth is
coming, I'm told.
It should
be a ball, they've rented a
At the Shady Rest Home
for the old.

Repairs have
been made on my hearing
My pacemaker's been
turned up on high.
wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been
And I've bought a
new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling
quite hearty, and I'm ready to
I'm gonna dance 'til
dawn's early light.
It'll be
lots of fun; But I just hope that there's
Other person who can
make it that


Life is
Don't forget
Praise The Lord, we've made it this far!
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Old 08-10-2011, 06:16 PM  
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terrorist school?
Anyone like things to make you "laugh".....try these....!!-808-terror-school.jpg 


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