Go Back   CityProfile.com Forum - Local City and State Discussion Forums > General Discussion > Art / Entertainment
Click Here to Login

Reply
Old 09-18-2011, 07:53 AM  
Supporting Member
 
teaberryeagle's Avatar

Richmond, VA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,444 | Kudos: +200
Images: 16
FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE.......



Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense...........

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'


Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' 'I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!! What's the big deal?'
__________________

Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2011, 07:10 AM  
Supporting Member
 
teaberryeagle's Avatar

Richmond, VA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,444 | Kudos: +200
Images: 16
HOW TO CALLTHE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE .

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
__________________

Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2011, 09:18 AM  
Supporting Member
 
teaberryeagle's Avatar

Richmond, VA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,444 | Kudos: +200
Images: 16
'nother e-mail..............

Quote:
Cancel your credit card before you die.......... .(hilarious! – and yet so sad…)


Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today..

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. '

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )


After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death.. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help....'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'



(Priceless!! )
You wondered why Citibank is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!
Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2011, 08:20 AM  
Supporting Member
 
teaberryeagle's Avatar

Richmond, VA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,444 | Kudos: +200
Images: 16


Someone had to remind me,







so I'm reminding you, too.

Don't laugh.... It is all true!



Perks of reaching 50

or being over 60

And heading towards


70 or beyond!





1.


Kidnappers are not very


interested in you.





2.


In a hostage situation,


you are likely to be released first.





3.


No one expects you to run --


anywhere.





4.


People call at 9 PM (or 9 A M) and ask, 'Did I wake you?





5.


People no longer view you as a


hypochondriac.





6.


There is nothing left


to learn the hard way.





7.


Things you buy now


won't wear out.





8.


You can eat


supper at 4 PM.





9...


You can live without sex


but not your glasses.





10.


You get into heated arguments


about pension plans.





11.


You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.





12.


You quit trying to hold


your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.





13.


You sing along


with elevator music.





14.


Your eyes won't get


much worse.





15.


Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.





16.


Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.





17.


Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.





18.


Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.





19.


You can't remember


who sent you this list.








And you notice these are all


in big print


for your convenience.








Forward this to everyone


you can remember


right now!





AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:


Never, NEVER, NEVER,


under any circumstances,


take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2011, 11:04 AM  
Supporting Member
 
teaberryeagle's Avatar

Richmond, VA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,444 | Kudos: +200
Images: 16
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint
the seat on their toilet.
Finally, he got around to doing it while
Lucy was out.
After finishing, he left to take care of another matter
before she returned.


She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized
that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to
the hospital emergency room.


The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them.
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2011, 09:28 AM  
Supporting Member
 
teaberryeagle's Avatar

Richmond, VA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,444 | Kudos: +200
Images: 16
Dana Perrino ( Fox News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL.

After discussing all the countries he had been sent to,

she asked if they had to learn several languages?

His reply:

"Oh no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."
Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2011, 05:25 PM  
Supporting Member
 
teaberryeagle's Avatar

Richmond, VA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,444 | Kudos: +200
Images: 16
Did you know the saying "God willing and the Creeks don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington . In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creeks don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creeks" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.
************************************************** **********
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)
******************************
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.. ' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
************************************************** **********
In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'
************************************************** **********
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'
********************************************
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.
************************************************** **********
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'
************************************************** **********
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'
************************************************** **********
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.
************************************************** **********
One more: bet you didn't know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.) If you don't send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to any and all your unsuspecting friends, your floppy is going to fall off your hard drive and kill your mouse.
************************************************** ***************
Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-2011, 10:03 AM  
Supporting Member
 
teaberryeagle's Avatar

Richmond, VA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,444 | Kudos: +200
Images: 16
WHERE I HAVE & HAVE NOT BEEN ...




I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.



I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.



I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.



I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.



I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.



I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.



Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.



One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2011, 05:00 AM  
Supporting Member
 
teaberryeagle's Avatar

Richmond, VA
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,444 | Kudos: +200
Images: 16
Subject: Bin Laden & Gaddafi Are Definitely Dead

There is finally conclusive evidence that
Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.

Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-02-2011, 10:23 AM  
Senior Member
 
Sideways's Avatar

Houston, Texas
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 980 | Kudos: +33
Images: 1
Quote:
Originally Posted by teaberryeagle View Post
Subject: Bin Laden & Gaddafi Are Definitely Dead

There is finally conclusive evidence that
Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.

Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago.
__________________

Reply With Quote
Reply

Go Back   CityProfile.com Forum - Local City and State Discussion Forums > General Discussion > Art / Entertainment
Bookmark this Page!

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes


Suggested Threads

Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.2.3

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.