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Old 03-24-2012, 07:19 AM  
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Christian Humor

Humor from heaven

**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign.... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees..... And when you are about to forward this message.... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?


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Old 03-28-2012, 07:32 AM  
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In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in Buffalo and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a variance."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
A confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
On your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
Supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
With endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
Years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."

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Old 03-31-2012, 05:41 AM  
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Important recall notice

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and
central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named
Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent

This defect has been identified as "Subsequential Internal Non-morality,"
more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include :

1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is
providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct
this defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire
burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE

Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, JESUS will replace it with:

1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (BEST Instructions Before
Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids
any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too
numerous to list, and will result in the human unit being permanently
impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have
to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter
Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention!


P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important
recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'!

"Because HE Lives!!!"
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Old 04-12-2012, 06:35 AM  
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The Pilot & the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter. "When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed."
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Old 05-19-2012, 01:06 PM  
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----- Original Message ----

The gentleman who drew this is Joe Castillo. He went to Asbury Theological Seminary.

He did this during a chapel service. It was fascinating - he told the Gospel story - each part of Jesus' life -
and he was drawing the story as he told it.

We didn't realize until the end what the entire picture was. A rare talent!!!

The 'longer' you look at this picture, the 'more' you see.

Look at the lines the artist used to draw this picture of Christ.
It is of scenes from Christ's life.
I have not seen anything like this

Share this with a friend or two.
In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your full potential.
May God Bless You and Yours!
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Old 06-11-2012, 06:05 AM  
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If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by
8 feet and is entirely open at the top,
the bird, in spite of its ability to fly,
will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is
that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground
with a Run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space
to run, as is its habit, It will not even
attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner
for life in a small jail with no top.


The ordinary bat that flies around at night,
a remarkable nimble creature in the air,
cannot take off from a level place.
If it is placed on the floor or flat
ground, all it can do is shuffle about
helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it
reaches some slight elevation from which it can
throw itself into the air. Then, at once,
it takes off like a flash.


A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler,
will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out.
It never sees the means of escape at the top,
but persists in trying to find some way out
through the sides near the bottom.
It will seek a way where none exists,
until it completely destroys itself.


In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and
the bumblebee. We struggle about with all our
problems and frustrations, never realizing that
all we have to do is look up! That's the answer,
the escape route and the solution to any problem!

Just look up.

Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, But faith looks up!

Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and
trust in our Creator who loves us.


SEND THIS TO A FRIEND... I just did.

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Old 06-19-2012, 06:34 AM  
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Sunday Paper

It Could Happen

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customercalling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..

..."Oh, then that explains why there was no one was at church either.

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Old 06-20-2012, 06:39 AM  
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> Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
> One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
> the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida

> The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
> The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
> The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
> The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
> she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
> who told me about a cockatoo who could recite the entire Bible. It
took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
> $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it .......
> only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
> The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
> her "Thank You" notes.
> She wrote:
Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only
> one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
> "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my
> delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
> "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
> hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm
> nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
> "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
> little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
> Love, Mama
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Old 07-01-2012, 02:44 PM  
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Talk with "God"......

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Old 07-14-2012, 07:26 AM  
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~~ One of the deep secrets of life is that all that is really worth the doing ... is what we do for others. ~~

Shirley & Marcy

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.
He didn't want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance,
So he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew.
She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs,
Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally she said to Timmy ,
'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest ,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy .'
' Shirley Goodnest ? Who is she and why is she following us?
'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always
I know you smiled!
I sure did. Pass this on
and brighten someone's day!

Please pray that Shirley Goodnest & Marcy go with everyone you love



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