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Old 02-17-2013, 04:50 PM  
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God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
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Old 02-20-2013, 05:51 AM  
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GOD CREATED VIRGINIA

(even non-Virginians should love this one.)



God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.


He inquired, "Where have you been?"


God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over
there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Virginia , the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.
The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,
"But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."


God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington , D.C....
Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
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Old 02-28-2013, 06:41 AM  
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The story of Jonah

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Old 03-27-2013, 05:17 AM  
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JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THAT IT'S CHRISTIAN PERSON WEEK AND YOU SHOULD SEND THIS TO ALL BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN PEOPLE.
When I say that 'I am a Christian', I am not shouting that 'I am clean living.I'm whispering 'I was lost, but now I'm found and forgiven.'


When I say I am a Christian', I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say 'I am a Christian', I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.




When I say 'I am a Christian', I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say 'I am a Christian', I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say 'I am a Christian', I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say 'I am a Christian', I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner who received God's grace.


Today is Beautiful Christian Person's Day.
Pretty is as Pretty does but, Beautiful is just plain Beautiful..


I'm supposed to send this to Beautiful People, and you are one of them!!!


If you share this with another person, you will boost another person's self esteem,
and they will know you care about them!



Be Blessed, Be a Blessing.

When you feel like you're drowning in life,
don't worry -- your Lifeguard walks on water.
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Old 04-16-2013, 04:35 PM  
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----- ----- Fw: Catholic horses




CATHOLIC HORSES
A man was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.


Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The man made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.





He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The man was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The man knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.




'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites
















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Old 05-28-2013, 06:18 AM  
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Subject: God and Moses




Did You Ever Think


about how Moses fed everyone...


Read and feel comforted.


Amazing Data on Moses


Moses and the people were in the desert,


but what was he going to do with them?




They had to be fed,


and feeding 2 or 3 million people


require a lot of food.




According to the Quartermaster General


In the Army, it is reported


that Moses would have to have had


1500 tons of food each day.


Do you know that to bring


that much food each day,


two freight trains, each at least a mile long, would be required!


Besides you must remember,


they were out in the desert,


so they would have to have firewood


to use in cooking the food.


This would take 4000 tons of wood


and a few more freight trains,


each a mile long, just for one day.


And just think,


they were forty years in transit.


And Oh yes! They would have to have water.


If they only had enough to drink


and wash a few dishes,


it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day


and a freight train with tank cars,


1800 miles long, just to bring water!


And then another thing!


They had to get across the Red Sea at night.




Now, if they went on a narrow path,


double file, the line would be 800 miles long


and would require 35 days and nights


to get through.


So there had to be a space in the Red Sea ,


3 miles wide so that they could walk


5000 abreast to get over in one night.


But then, there is another problem...


each time they camped at the end of the day,


a campground two-thirds the size


of the state of Rhode Island was required,


or a total of 750 square miles long.


Think of it! This much space for camping.




Do you think Moses figured all this out


before he left Egypt ? I think not!


You see, Moses believed in God.


God took care of these things for him.




Now do you think God


has any problem


taking care of all your needs?


Our God is an Awesome God!!!


So when the road


you're traveling on


seems difficult at best,


just remember,


keep on praying,


and God will do the rest.


Pass this to people you want God to bless.


If you have missed knowing me,


you have missed nothing.


If you have missed some of my emails,


you may have missed a laugh.


But, if you have missed knowing


my LORD and SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST


you have missed everything in the world!!!!


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Old 05-29-2013, 07:13 AM  
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I just ran across this on this YouTube.com video and thought it was worth sharing...




A Lake in Spring - A Still Small Voice by Perry Como - A Story "The Duck and the Devil" There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.

Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.


In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen. Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally just smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.!

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's... he finally couldn't stand it any longer.

He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know.

You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you." ...
-----How we all fall into this trap from time to time.------God is just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you If we would only realize that God's sees and knows everything already; He's just waiting for us to come and ask for His forgiveness. God is at the window.
Amen



A Lake in Spring - A Still Small Voice by Perry Como
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Old 05-30-2013, 07:42 AM  
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The Big-Busted Organist

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.


The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.


So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.


The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said ...



“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.”
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Old 08-09-2013, 07:35 AM  
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Subject: THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE CAKE







Have you ever told a white lie?

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the

Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angelfood cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,

"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house

for something to build up the center of the cake.

She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know!

What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her

And talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"



Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself,

"God is good."








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Old 11-12-2013, 03:03 PM  
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Subject: Two little boys... Too cute! too funny!

If this does not make your day, nothing will.

Too good not to share?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know
if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to
see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the
boy's face and bellowed,
"WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"


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