Christian Humor

[teaberryeagle]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself.



As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.





He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'


'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out.


The sounds of the forest resumed.


And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[teaberryeagle]

Subject: PSALM 46:10

This has to be one of the most profound verses in the BIBLE!











Psalm 46:10
'Be Still and Know that I AM GOD'
Please don't break this even if you only send it to
one person. Look at the date when this was started.




NOTICE AT THE END, THE DATE THIS CANDLE WAS STARTED. GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS.



I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable - Angels have walked beside me all my life;
and they still do.
*********************
This is to all of you who mean something to me,
I pray for your happiness.
The Candle Of Love, Hope & Friendship



15th of September, 1998.
Someone who loves you has helped keep it alive by sending it to you.
Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope and Friendship die!
Pass It On To All Your Friends and Everyone You Love!
May God Richly Bless You as you keep this candle burning.
I hope it comes back someday again.
Please keep this candle alive.


Don't walk in
front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.

[teaberryeagle]

>
> Four Worms in Church
> (Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!)
>
>
>
> A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
>
> Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
>
> The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
>
> The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
>
> The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
>
> The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
>
> At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:
>
> The first worm in alcohol ... Dead .
>
>
>
> The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead .
>
>
>
>
>
> The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead .
>
>
>
>
> The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .
>
> So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
>
>
> Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,
>
>
> "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
> That pretty much ended the service !!
> Today is International Disturbed People's Day.
> Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend ... Just as I have done.
>

[teaberryeagle]

HOLY HUMOR






During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:





1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.


2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.


4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.





GOOD SAMARITAN


A Sundayschool teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"





A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."





DID NOAH FISH?


A Sundayschool teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"


"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."





THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD


A SundaySchool teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.





On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."





UNANSWERED PRAYER


The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.


"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."


"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.





BEING THANKFUL


A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"


The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"





ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS


When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."


This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"


Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"





SAY A PRAYER


Little Johnny and his family were havingSunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.


"I don't need to," the boy replied.


"Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."


"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

[teaberryeagle]

HOLY E-MAIL

One day God was looking down at earth and
saw all of the rascally retirees' and the behavior that was going on...


So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.



When the angel returned, he told God,'Yes, it is bad on earth;
95% of retirees are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send
down a second angel to get another opinion.'



So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.


When the angel returned, she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.
The earth is in decline; 95% of retirees are misbehaving, but 5% are
being good...'

God was not pleased.




So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted
to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them
keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?


Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

[teaberryeagle]

These will bring a few smiles....think I may have seen one or two before but still cute.



WHY Go to Church?
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: (1), you're 59 years old, and (2), you're the pastor!"

The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 1st of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said, "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.


The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church…"
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

Best Prayer So Far
Oh, Lord! Keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.