Actually this is just a place for my stuff, ya know? That's all, a little place for my stuff. That's all I want, that's all you need in life, is a little place for your stuff, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody's got a little place for their stuff. This is my stuff, that's your stuff, that'll be his stuff over there. That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is: a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time.
A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff. And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. They always take the good stuff. They never bother with that crap you're saving. All they want is the shiny stuff. That's what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get...more stuff!
Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore. Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? No room for your stuff. Somebody else's stuff is all over the goddamn place! And if you stay overnight, unexpectedly, they give you a little bedroom to sleep in. Bedroom they haven't used in about eleven years. Someone died in it, eleven years ago. And they haven't moved any of his stuff! Right next to the bed there's usually a dresser or a bureau of some kind, and there's NO ROOM for your stuff on it. Somebody else's **** is on the dresser. Meditation will not relieve you of this stress either.
Have you noticed that their stuff is **** and your **** is stuff? God! And you say, "Get that **** offa there and let me put my stuff down!"
Sometimes you leave your house to go on vacation. And you gotta take some of your stuff with you. Gotta take about two big suitcases full of stuff, when you go on vacation. You gotta take a smaller version of your house. It's the second version of your stuff. And you're gonna fly all the way to Honolulu. Gonna go across the continent, across half an ocean to Honolulu. You get down to the hotel room in Honolulu and you open up your suitcase and you put away all your stuff. "Here's a place here, put a little bit of stuff there, put some stuff here, put some stuff--you put your stuff there, I'll put some stuff--here's another place for stuff, look at this, I'll put some stuff here..." And even though you're far away from home, you start to get used to it, you start to feel okay, because after all, you do have some of your stuff with you. That's when your friend calls up from Maui, and says, "Hey, why don'tchya come over to Maui for the weekend and spend a couple of nights over here."
Oh, no! Now what do I pack? Right, you've gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The third version of your house. Just enough stuff to take to Maui for a coupla days. You get over to Maui--I mean you're really getting extended now, when you think about it. You got stuff ALL the way back on the mainland, you got stuff on another island, you got stuff on this island. I mean, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. You get over to your friend's house on Maui and he gives you a little place to sleep, a little bed right next to his windowsill or something. You put some of your stuff up there. You put your stuff up there. You got your Visine, you got your nail clippers, and you put everything up. It takes about an hour and a half, but after a while you finally feel okay, say, "All right, I got my nail clippers, I must be okay." That's when your friend says, "Aaaaay, I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island, visit a pal of mine and maybe stay over."
Aww, no. NOW what do you pack? Right--you gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The fourth version of your house. Only the stuff you know you're gonna need. Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pen, smokes, rubber and change. Well, only the stuff you HOPE you're gonna need.
__________________
__________________
I'll believe corporations are persons when Texas executes one.: LBJ's Ghost
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic farking hatreds!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is **** and your **** is stuff?
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that **** out by myself in the third grade.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can g*ddamn sure blow it up.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Sheit, pi**, fark, cont, roostersucker, motherfarker and tittz.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a roostersucker from Guatemala.”
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
__________________
I'll believe corporations are persons when Texas executes one.: LBJ's Ghost
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
You can prick your finger — just don’t do the opposite.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
I never farked a ten, but one night, I farked five twos.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fark in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfarker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
__________________
I'll believe corporations are persons when Texas executes one.: LBJ's Ghost
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
What year did Jesus think it was?
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have a**holes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
The planet is fine. The people are farked.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fark waffles.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the a**hole.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
__________________
I'll believe corporations are persons when Texas executes one.: LBJ's Ghost
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin? ready to hang himself.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
?Meow? means ?woof? in cat.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
?No comment? is a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he?s probably selling something that doesn?t work.
You can?t argue with a good bj.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it?s because at the moment they?re not actually dying.
So far, this is the oldest I?ve been.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fark.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn?t a lot worth paying attention to.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren?t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn?t see it, I didn?t do it!
Hooray for most things!
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people?s stuff.
I don?t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Life is a zero sum game.
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don?t have as many people who believe it.
It isn?t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
__________________
I'll believe corporations are persons when Texas executes one.: LBJ's Ghost
Linear Mode
