So strange--Opinions wanted

[addymiller]

I got a postcard--who knows why. I sent him a picture of my dog.

[addymiller]

He added some more fyi to his FB page and yes, he has a lot of female friends, I really had no doubts about this. Ever.

A good person and certainly entitled to live his life as he wishes.

Not the right time ever. I really cared about him --didn't know much, too young and naieve---I always thought that was the problem. With my father's problems---no one knew why at the time but he was on the verge of a major heart attack and had become emotionally abusive to all of us and physically abusive of my mother---it couldn't have gone further. I was too ashamed to tell anyone and just tried to be 'good'. That was very important in those days. My college roommate with Southern Baptist parents had other ideas. Plenty of people had other ideas

So that's that. I still think it was incredibly immature not to tell me something. And just as immature to say, 'I have no regrets'. In the end the problem was mine. 'He's just not that into you'. Truer words were never spoken.

lol-at the time I listened to a lot of songs by the Supremes and the Four Tops--'Wishin and Hopin' and Dreamin'---wear your hair just for him, do the things he likes to do----lol---now Beyonce has other ideas.

This was a great song--listened to it many times--when I should have been out finding a new man

YouTube

YouTube

[addymiller]

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

? Maya Angelou

[HiHood]

you're chasing the impossible dream, it appears, I would recommend pressing towards another ambition. One sided entanglements lead no where and often deflate to nothingness like a popping balloon. When I think back to my younger days of drink and women, (while marr'd) it was always home that I ended up. Now, knowing what's out there, I stay home. Like fast food and home cooking, yeah, when you're out and about hungered, one may stop for a quick burger, but always, always, better at home.

[addymiller]

Originally Posted by HiHood

you're chasing the impossible dream, it appears, I would recommend pressing towards another ambition. One sided entanglements lead no where and often deflate to nothingness like a popping balloon. When I think back to my younger days of drink and women, (while marr'd) it was always home that I ended up. Now, knowing what's out there, I stay home. Like fast food and home cooking, yeah, when you're out and about hungered, one may stop for a quick burger, but always, always, better at home.

There is no dream--only acceptance of reality.

As I said I was very young and naieve when I first met him. He dated a friend of mine throughout high school--I didn't know her well, they broke up and we graduated. I knew him slightly--they attended church near my house. We were Wonder Years type people.

I could and am kicking myself pretty hard for not understanding that I was just someone to go out with when he came home for school breaks. He was nice to me and so I liked him. Freshmen year at college can be unsettling. I don't know it didn't seem so extraordinary.

When he got upset with me and never contacted me again---at that point I was stupid.

The recent communication sort of fills in the blanks. He is a very good person, has been successful in the military and his second career, was married for probably 25 or 30 years and raised two really great kids. Now he lives at the beach, works hard and enjoys his life. There is really nothing wrong with any of that. An alpha personality.

The problem was mine--I really cared about him in a way that he did not care for me. It seems to me that his 'flaw' may be some immaturity. Had he simply said or written--any sort of 'I've enjoyed knowing you--things are intense with the training' or 'I met someone'---I would have accepted---cried a bit but felt respected. By saying nothing---the feeling is that I didn't exist for him. Why contact someone like that again? Why contact someone that didn't interest you?

I can only assume that nostalgia/high school reunion stuff was involved. And possibly it was around the time of his divorce--I will never know.

He is a likable person, a friendly person and a good person. I would also add selfish in some ways and more accustomed to dealing with assertive/aggressive people in positions of leadership. Clearly he makes decisions and takes action without agonizing excessively. I would give my right arm to be like that --if the truth is known.

We are not on bad terms. I needed to finally tell him how I felt. All he could come up with was the 'I have no regrets'. I actually wanted to tell him---don't say that--say--'I am surprised to hear what you just told me--I'm not that great--or 'Thanks for being a fan'---I would probably have lol'd and said--'You are still an idiot but I like you anyway.'

And he is---and I do. lol--In high school one memory I have of him, he took his girlfriend and a couple of us to get a hamburger after school. He drove a tiny, old Renault --something was wrong with it and he was mad.
He worked for everything he achieved and he helps others. The sort of person I really like.
Would I have enjoyed being his wife---I don't know about that. I would have tried--if I had been asked. That is all that it is. Bruised ego and acceptance.
There was a good bit of chemistry, too.

Anyone who enjoys their life fully impresses me. He certainly does.

[addymiller]

The rest of this not so interesting story is my strange family.


I thought I said earlier that my father had become very difficult---obsessed with controlling everyone---lots of fighting and he seemed to think that I was going to go 'wild'. I was the least likely teenager to go wild but he got that in his head. I didn't date--didn't want anyone to know that he had apparently lost his mind. Possibly he had in some way--my mother is convinced. He went with others in his company to break a strike and did heavy manual labor for several weeks. He came home and this rather paranoid and abusive behavior began. Doctors didn't really have any ideas. He developed an ulcer, blood pressure problems and I would say some form of depression. Very angry and unreasonable.

He finally had a heart attack after I graduated from college. The year before he had a vicious fight with my mother with legal consequences.

This had something to do with my lack of perspective about the relationship, it one can call it that. I had low self-esteem--no doubt about that.

Since I never had a chance to say anything at all--I thought I had dealt with the feelings---what else do you do but live your life?

The really irritating part was that the person who informed me that he had a girlfriend was not exactly a 'friend'. There was no--'I'm sorry to have to tell you this, I know you cared about him'---just 'He has a girlfriend--so and so told me--she goes to the same college.' I worked on the sales floor of the same department store and C and the informant worked upstairs in the credit department. I assume that when they weren't processing requests for credit--which I was told was a very important job that few could handle, they spent the time discussing me. That really burned.

Then---a few years later--the brilliant credit employee was transferred to my school---now compared to one of the best teachers on the staff. Assigned to my grade level. I thought I would die. She spent that year complaining bitterly that she had been transferred from her exceptionally good school to my school--which had no class. When she wasn't complaining to me she was working the principal, friend of her former principal and anyone else who might be useful to her. I honestly didn't know that sort of thing went on.

Yes, stupid, stupid, stupid.

So--imo--whomever you may be--if you decide not to date someone --just tell them. You may have no idea of what is going on in their life and if all you can say is--'This is just not working for me'---that is more humane than just disappearing.

Judging from the last interaction--he doesn't like 'conflict'. There wouldn't have been much if any---being the sort of girl scout that I was had I received the 'This is just not working for me letter'---I would have said things like--'I care about you and wish it could be different. If that is how you feel--I am sad.'

The two colleges were at least 100 miles apart--I couldn't have done him physical harm. lol

[addymiller]

Now is the time when people will start to say--'OMG---what is wrong with this poster'--it has been said before.

In the past--I have responded defensively--I will no longer do that.

Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes---my family had problems. I am trying to let go of lots of things that should have 'gone' long before now. There is no possible way to discuss anything with my mother---tried and failed many times. She had her hands full caring for my father for over a decade--he later had a stroke, I was on my own working and my brother chose to become involved with manufacturing drugs. He died---my mother held her feelings in and now unleashes them on me at times.

If you have never had such family experiences be very thankful. So much guilt, so much anger and denial. It really sox.

I have had a few relationships but never married and much has been made of that. I just wouldn't tell anybody about my family---then I found out a couple of decades ago that there were quite a few other families that were just as insane. That helped.
During the last years of my brother's life--he developed lung cancer--things were very unusual. He didn't tell us that something might be wrong--didn't go to a doctor until it was Stage IV. It was a hard way to die. The memories are painful.

I tried to comfort my mother but she was in her own realm. I cannot take much more of her anger---but there is really no choice.

Growing up like this I always felt things would not work out well--there wasn't anything I could do to change the dynamics. My mother is a person of deep faith---perhaps at times a rather too intense sort of faith--I cannot judge that. God cannot really do anything if people don't take it upon themselves to find solutions when it comes to family relationships. And many other things.

My mother feels that she 'accepted' what she couldn't change. I personally think she could have perhaps had a somewhat different attitude but that doesn't matter. My parents' created their relationship. They cared about their children, did their best and that is all anyone can do.

I am told --'You are just like your father' and I probably am. My mother can push the limits of my patience until I scream. She 'doesn't understand' what she does--she says.

I suppose I have many quirks---yet in spite of all of this--the dream won't die. The dream is that I get to be what I was meant to be---I know I can really love someone. I don't really have deep issues. What R should do to atone for his sins is find one of his prosperous beach buddies for me. lol