A funny story about how religion works

[RedJeepXJ]

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His butt?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's butt, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the snot out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His butt."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's butt with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's butt often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the snot out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's butt He'll kick the snot out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His butt?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Karl

Kiss Hank's butt and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the snot out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's butt or He'll kick the snot out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the snot out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's butt for you."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

[RedJeepXJ]

really? no thoughts? hit the nail too hard on the head?

[Hillman]

At the request of RedJeepXJ or, in this case, Campero Roja XJ, this is a ?thought??..

?. Mary and John had considered themselves to be ministers of truth until the day they knocked on his door and met Campero Roja XJ. After a short conversation he appeared to refuse to believe what they were teaching! After all, they were teaching what they had been taught. Surely, they thought, ?their truth? was everyone?s truth. Roja had made some good points. Their own human condition had secretly enjoyed the times that they refused to respond to the things they thought Hank desired. It was something they struggled with and sincerely hoped they would not live like Roja, but no matter how hard they tried they eventually responded as Roja did. In their discussion Roja seemed rational?.he just believed differently. He didn?t reject their teachings?.he just believed differently. Roja had valid questions that they could not answer. Now, they were confused and began to doubt what they had been taught by Karl concerning Hank.

Both Mary and John prayed for Roja, asking that his eyes be opened to ?their truth?, but they also secretly prayed that their eyes be opened as well. They decided to figure out what went so wrong with their witness to Roja and how they could ?fix their truth? the next time they had the opportunity. Both Mary and John had always felt that there was something worldly about Karl?s letter? it made them feel good about themselves and their fellow believers. On the surface, it made sense, even if ?eating right? had little to do with wieners and they couldn?t figure out how they could ?abstain from alcohol? and ?use it in moderation? at the same time?!? It was a difficult decision but they were committed to finding ?the truth?.

During their search they realized that they didn?t really know Hank. Certainly not well enough to be introducing Him to others. They had been so excited to know ?of? Hank and what he would ?do? for them that they had set aside ?why? they even knew Hank at all. How could they share the truth of?.Hank, if they didn?t understand or even know His truth. They had spent so much time on learning the ?truth of Karl? that they had missed the real ?author of truth?. Karl was convincing and sincere but his beliefs were filtered through his own experiences, desires and motivations. Once they accepted these facts, and continued their search, they realized that there were many other ?Karls? in the world, all convincing and sincere, but all of them were using their own personal filters, experiences and motivations. Every Karl had his own set of ?letters? and his own set of books. It eventually occurred to Mary and John that their relationship was not based on letters and or books. Their relationship was a matter of decision?a matter of the heart. Neither Mary nor John expected anything from the other. Certainly not money or things?just accepting love. How could their desires be so different than Hanks, they thought? Maybe, just maybe, Hank?s truth was not originated in letters and books but in the heart. And maybe they hadn?t yet read Hank?s letters and books. This new revelation was intriguing and?unsettling. All this time they had been spreading Karl?s version of Hank. It came to pass that they realized that they had known Hank long before Karl ever introduced them to Him. Hank had written on their hearts what He wanted them to know long before they had allowed Karl to corrupt their understanding. Over time they became convinced that Hank wasn?t even His real name. ?Hank? was who Karl wanted them to know and use but not the Hank they were called to know and be used by. It all seemed very complicated at first but once they decided to not use the filters, experiences, motivations and the letters and books of Karl and others like him it became quite clear. Hank was in fact a false name with corrupt followers. Hank and Karl were to be pitied for their conscious decision to corrupt the Word and Truth of the One True God. Karl and those like him were committed to misleading others so they would not be alone in their rebellion against what they know as truth?.what they know is written on their own hearts?but reject. They hate God on the same level as they hate themselves. Mary and John wanted to talk to Karl but they felt he was lost. Lost in his hate?lost in his own controlling desires, desiring a reward from God when he truthfully deserved nothing!

Mary and John eventually approached Karl but his blasphemous intellect had built a wall separating him from God. They prayed for Karl but had come to understand that God is the One who draws; His Believers merely serve as witnesses to Him. Mary and John are still in contact with Roja and they have found God?s Word of Truth, Love and Redemption. It is every Believers hope that Roja and those like him will turn from their self imposed fortresses of hate and rejection and allow what is written on their heart to be lived out in their lives.

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Full disclosure dictates that I state that I agree with the shallow message concerning ?religion? that the OP posted. I feel there is no ?religion? that is void of some form of corruption! Religion, in and of itself, is of man, and by definition, corrupt. Fallen creatures (Man), by nature, create corruption. Seven times in the Bible, we find the word "religion" mentioned. Only seven times. It should be a very shocking thing to the common observer to realize that the word "religion" is mentioned, in a bad connotation, six of those seven times. The only time that religion is mentioned, with a good connotation, is in James 1:27 where the Apostle says, "Anyone who sets himself up as ?religious? by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world." That is the only time in all the Bible where the word "religion" is mentioned as something good. Religion and Christ are in opposition to each other. Religion says man must do something to get to Heaven, join something to get to Heaven, have something done to him to get to Heaven. Christ says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." With that said, there are some religions that do a better job of relaying the truths of God but God has nothing to do with religion. Religion is of man and is, in most cases, not all, an attempt to express a particular relationship based on interpretation, revelation, experiences, desires, motivations?among other things. Religion is mans way of expressing his relationship with God. God doesn?t require anything from anybody nor does He require ?religion?!

There is a way to debate the differences and fallacies of religion without the enmity toward God shown in the original post. First and foremost, an intellectual assent is required for such discussions. Secondly, rational honesty?neither of which will be found in the initial post. I am not suggesting that my post is an intellectual submission, just the honest truth as I see it. Others will see it differently and I respect that.

BTW, isn?t it interesting that a reference to ?nails? would be used by the OP. I?m assuming that the ?nails? referenced are not the same as those that were used to nail all Believer?s sins to the Cross?..just an observation.