Two NYC City boys were traveling through a Southern state and were stopped by a state trooper...
When the trooper goes to the window of the car, the window was up and the driver was just sitting there...
The trooper pecked on the window with his night stick and when the driver opened the window, the trooper reached in with his stick and beat the crap out of him...
When the driver recovered and asked why? the Trooper said. BOY, when you are stopped in this state, roll down your window, have your drivers license, registration and Insurance papers in your hand and say YES SIR or NO SIR.
When the trooper was done with the driver, he went to the passengers side, tapped on his window and when the passenger rolled the window down, reached in and beat the crap out of the passenger.
When the passenger recovered he asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT and the trooper said... I just wanted to save you some time, cause you would get down the road a mile or two and would have said to your friend.. "WISH THAT SUM BITCH HAD DONE THAT TO ME.....
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
THIS IS FUNNY AND A NICE WAY TO START THE DAY WITH A GOOD LAUGH.
65 Years Ago .....
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.
The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'
She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.
A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am, The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry ..... So much, in fact, that
we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"
He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.
Here it is .....
True story!
Carnation Milk Ad
clip_image001
;-)
*
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
Her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. .. .....
Wait for it ..... ......
It's coming ...... ......
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She said .... .......:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
The Stuttering Cat
( as explained by a Grade 4 student )
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories can be,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl .
"My kitty raised her back, and went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,'
but before she could say 'F==k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
CROW KILLS
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one
could shout "Truck."
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
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"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - A. Einstein
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