As is typical here, ego maniacal mayors always insist on branding this blighted cesspool by spending tens of thousands of tax dollars that their city can ill afford. They do this by paying a consulting firm to come up with a catchy slogan that is then emblazoned on every trash can and park bench, bus stop and city vehicle. Some of the past gems have proven to be the absolute epitome of what was always presumed to be unintended irony. In other words, the people living there would often recognize the stupid and add their own pithy comments. Here are some personal past favorites:
As one of the consistently highest ranked cities in America for the incidence of unwed teenaged pregnancy, and by no strange coincidence the per capita incidence of AIDS, and a host of STD's, the slogan "....., the City That Reads" was oft times scratched out and over written with "....., the City That Breeds". This of course has always been particularly ironic since this city also has one of the highest drop out rates in America... so it's kind of a double P.R. win, especially when one of the resident Einsteins just adds a 'B' to change the slogan to "..... the City That Breads" ???
Then there was the almost as good "Charm City" for one of the nation's leading murder capitals. Random wildings throughout the tourist trap zone, and of particular civic pride was the near fatal beating by a roving gang of young Blacks where a visiting White tourist was left battered and bleeding, robbed and stripped half naked, on the steps of City Hall... 'cuz you know, it was a holiday weekend and stuff, so that's how we rolls.
Were it not for the world class trauma centers and hospitals that keeps putting Humpty Dumpty together again, this city would likely be renowned as THE murder capital of the world.
Some locally infamous stops for your next (and likely last anywhere) visit should include the likes of 9 Millimeter Alley, and it's neighbor - Shotgun Alley. New Years Eve, 4th of July, and well... just about any holiday, it's a good idea to stay away or at least where a helmet, since the local mutt population is enamored of the third world reflex of exuberant celebration accentuated by the firing of weaponry into the sky. Proof yet again of the success of the government run education system that somehow forgot to mention that whole gravity thing. It would be funny if it weren't so true and messed up that near midnight on these auspicious occasions, cops across the city are ducking for cover to hopefully avoid that one in a million bullet that will eventually find its way back to terra firma.
I'll give ya a bigger hint. The broke tax payers of the State paid to build a world class ball park for one of the last three decades' all time worst ball clubs. The stadium was a bribe to a multi-millionaire lawyer/team owner who made his millions off of the suffering of asbestosis victims. In return a perfectly functional stadium where $5 used to get you a bleacher seat and a dog was razed. In its stead the city that is fully one third unemployed and roughly half on some kind of public assistance received; a beautiful new park where you can't park within a mile for $5. $5 probably won't buy a hotdog either. A night at the ball park should run the average family of four somewhere around the same as a weekend in a nice hotel at the beach... but with the added flavor and excitement that you might also be robbed, beaten and or shot on your way to or from the park.
Awesome!
More recently renamed "The City That Bleeds", no doubt referencing the poor marksmanship of our resident drug slingers (they are forever unfortunately missing each other and hitting some poor bystander with a ricochet or sprayed shot - comes from holding your gun sideways so that ya look cool while you're missing), and the fact that the jurisdiction pisses through money like Marion Barry goes through crack. A few years back their epically failed school board "misplaced" something like 3 and a half million dollars... and then found it a couple of years later. Everybody involved got a raise as usual, nobody was fired... hell, nobody even bothered to try and make them 'splain nuffin' (sorry, that's the speech pattern at the City educational administrators money club).
Something like 80% of the City's bloated budget is born by State income tax wealth redistribution. In other words, people from all over the State of Maryland, people who may never even see Baltimore, have a healthy portion of their annual income extorted from them at the end of a gun to support a completely failed socialist welfare subdivision. I suppose the happy news is that the majority of Marylanders blindly vote a neo-liberal ticket even if the candidate running is a complete crook and nincompoop, so they get exactly what they asked for and deserve - an unbroken string of liars who promise all of the short bus kids free candy if they'll vote for them. It's embarrassing it's so blatant. Not that any of the Rebuplitards are much better, just different strains of the same flesh eating bacteria. The State and its politicos/legislature are in dire need of a serious enema... or at least a good old fashioned Malayan caning.
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"By this means government may secretly and unobserved, confiscate the wealth of the people, and not one man in a million will detect the theft." - John Maynard Keynes
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