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Old 11-06-2011, 10:36 AM  
blucher's Avatar

Keizer, OR
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You did not "break up" with Joyce Kim. She defected to North Korea.

Ah gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

At least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.

When people are upset, the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages.

I don?t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation. Although, as I?m saying this, it occurs to me that you may have been employing a rhetorical device, rendering my response moot.
Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
I don't know... but if cats could sing, they'd hate it

Engineering: where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Ooompa-Loompas of science.

What computer do you have? And please don't say "a white one."


I'll believe corporations are persons when Texas executes one.: LBJ's Ghost
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Old 11-06-2011, 10:48 AM  
blucher's Avatar

Keizer, OR
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 4,365 | Kudos: +124
Images: 99


Sheldon: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.

Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid!
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Bazinga, I don't care.

Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don't want tea.
Sheldon: I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea.
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon: It's a conversation starter.
Leonard: That's a lousy conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.

Zack: You're inferring I'm stupid.
Sheldon: That's not correct. We implied you're stupid, you then inferred it.

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Sheldon: I promised Penny.
Leonard: Promised Penny what?
Sheldon: I wouldn't tell you the secret. (pause) Shhhhh!!!!
Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell dad.
Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon: I'M BATMAN!!!! SHHHH!!!

*After complaining of dead pixels on Raj's TV
Sheldon: Oh look, it's Harry Potter and 98% of Sorcerer's stone!

Sheldon: I'm not insane, my mother had me tested!

Sheldon: Hello, I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide.

Sheldon: Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul V to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox!

Penny: Sheldon, could I ask you a question?
Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I wouldn't go so far as to forbid it.

Penny: So what do you say Sheldon, are we your X-men?
Sheldon: No, the X-men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be, my C-men.

Sheldon: Are you upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well there was a number of things. First the late hour, then you demeanors seems very low energy plus your irritability...
Leonard: Yes I'm upset!
Sheldon: Oh... I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah good for you.
Sheldon: (walks away and then turns back) Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what's bothering you?
Leonard: I don't know... maybe.
Sheldon: Wow! I'm on fire tonight.

Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Howard: I've been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: She bought me a nice watch.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand any of this?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Talk to him.

Leonard: What were you doing at Penny's?
Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, and you'll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of 'friends with benefits.'

Leonard: For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
Sheldon (intrigued): You have a sarcasm sign?

Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for 'soup' tattooed on your right buttock?
Penny: It's not 'soup'; it's 'courage'.
Sheldon: No it isn't. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
Penny: How'd you see it? You said you wouldn't look.
Sheldon: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.


I'll believe corporations are persons when Texas executes one.: LBJ's Ghost
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Old 11-06-2011, 11:22 AM  
blucher's Avatar

Keizer, OR
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 4,365 | Kudos: +124
Images: 99


Sheldon Cooper Quotations

I've got more nervous ticks than a Lyme Disease research facility.

Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two."
If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest One Potato, Two Potato -- or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
You'd hit particulate soil in a colloidal suspension. Mud.
You know, it?s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should probably do a better job at screening those people out.

I can't wear different pajamas. These are my Monday pajamas.
These Hungarians -- they're just using you for dragon fodder.
Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work... and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.

I wanted a griffin... I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Of course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.

Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it'd be more hygenic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.

I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
I'm clearly too evolved for driving.

Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was fourteen. And I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-m?ch? volcanoes with baking soda lava.

I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.... Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the Seven Seas.

Apparently I'm in some kind of relationship and you seem to be an expert at ending them.... I see man after man leaving this apartment, never to return.

I trusted you with my email address and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banalities -- Strike One. Touching my food -- Strike Two.

Greetings, Hamburger Toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you "heart" various things.
I really don't think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.

Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.

Radiation burns -- a little mishap while I was building my own CAT scanner.... In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "not a snowball's chance in a CAT scanner."

When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the Civil War have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future.

It's not enough that she mocks me, but that isn't even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.

Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?

Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!

Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.

This is trash talk. Trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours, because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.

What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote don't you understand?

Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task, so I'm going to have to let one of you go.

They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.

I was wrong. Minstrels will write songs about you. There once was a brave lad named Leonard
with a fie fie fiddle dee dee.
He faced a fearsome giant
while Raj just wanted to pee.

Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful -- and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your brussels sprouts.

In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it's location, location, location.

That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0000.

Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? "Thanks for discovering penicillin -- now how about we try a bouffant?"

I understand your envy. This is a can't-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bio-organic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the Non-Equilibrium Green's Function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.
On this side, you'll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you'll be treated to 350 miles of Costcos, Jiffy Lubes and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.
No one calls me "Moonpie" but Mee-Maw.

Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth.

Sorry, coffee's out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.

No, it's not going to be fine. Change is never fine. They say it is, but it's not.

Hold on, you honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and in return, he only need buy us a pizza?

That's preposterous! I do not resemble C-3PO. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, I just don't see it.

I'm curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying one's sexual appetite -- assuming one is afflicted with such -- without emotional entanglement seems eminently practical. What I've observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.

Amy: Kiss me where I've never been kissed before?
Sheldon: You mean like Salt Lake City?

Zack: Is that the laser? It's bitchin'.
Sheldon: Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie de Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin'.

Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think that if I were wrong, I'd know it?

Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.
Leonard: You really think so?
Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I've managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. BAZINGA!

Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that.

Sheldon: You know, in difficult times like this, I often turn to a force stronger than myself.
Amy: Religion?
Sheldon: Star Trek.

I'll believe corporations are persons when Texas executes one.: LBJ's Ghost
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